If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
