Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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