The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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