Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
