My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
