I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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