he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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