im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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