Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
