hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
