you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
