I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
