My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
