The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
