no, he came in my armpit
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
