I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
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this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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