I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
