Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
