My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
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do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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