Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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