I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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