Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
