just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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