And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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