I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
