____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
