I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
