Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
