Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
