mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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