You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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