i just google imaged poop.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
