Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
