someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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