The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
