i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
