He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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