I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
