you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
