the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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