Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
