dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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