Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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