My liver just broke up with me...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
