i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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