I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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