when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
