i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
