I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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