im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
