The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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