I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
