when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
