Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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