I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
