And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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