Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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